Baby Steps (Part V)

What a beautiful Sunday, a rocky start, but happiness nonetheless…

Stella woke up asking for daddy, and I made up my mind to make that happen. I phone daddy on his phone, but no answer. To be fair, we are not phone people. We are more focused on enjoying, loving, and teaching our children, which leaves little time to be distracted by mundane, mediocre things. We cannot reach daddy by phone, no problem, we have plenty of time to make the bus. Being that it is Sunday, I have to plan, and I have to make time. There is one early bus, then nothing for two more hours. I will not miss that bus. I have made that mistake before, and by the time we arrived, no Daddy, no Rocky. Of course, their day had long begun. So off we went, through the railway trail, to get from our house to the bus stop. We made the bus on time, and off to Daddy’s we went.

We arrived with 20 minutes to spare. Twenty minutes before the next bus heading to Hamilton. The bus I will take to go home, fold laundry, clean the house, prep the meals for the week, and – if the Gods be in my favor – to sit down and take a break… to breathe, inhale, exhale, find peace. We get to daddy’s and everyone is happy to be together.  I speak to Daddy and we make a plan to meet up later in the afternoon. This will give our girl tons of time to be with daddy and brother. I head to the roadside to take the bus. I pull out my book, preparing for the bus to arrive. After this bus, there is no bus for another two hours. I am so happy to have made it to the bus on time. I can almost taste the peace and quiet that awaits me. Oh no, I have two pairs of shoes in my bag!  But I was supposed to leave shoes for Stella. Whoops. No big deal. I am sure daddy will work it out. He always does.

But then, the monster known as GUILT attacks. In my proper mind, I know everything is well. But then comes FEAR and CONTROL. They run rampant in my other mind. The one that likes to focus on the bad, the one that tells me I am not good enough, the mind that is clearly in need of a good nap, and maybe some chocolate chip ice-cream so it can settle down and chill out. An old classmate arrives at the stop, and I borrow her phone to call Frankie. Maybe I can leave the shoes on the bench in the bus stop. That would work. Frankie can just drive to the roadside and collect them. Because there is no way I will make it to his house and back to the road in time for the bus.  My right mind says, “Let it go, everything is fine, he knows what he is doing”.  But the three devils (Guilt, Fear, and Control) have to have their say too.  “You couldn’t even manage to pull this off without making a mistake. Just take the shoes back, and wait it out until the next bus”.  But I don’t want to wait it out. I want to go home, and I want to do what I have to do, with the knowledge that Rock and Stella are happy and safe with the only other person on planet Earth that cares for them the way I do. I phone three times and no one answers. No big deal, he has it covered. Here comes the bus. I am almost home. I reach for my bus pass, and then, I make a choice. I will not take the bus. I will walk back to the house and save the day by delivering these shoes.

As soon as I reach the house, my heart sinks. Why do I need to control every situation? Why can’t I trust that daddy knows what he is doing. As I walk the steps to the house, I see my two gorgeous babies standing at the door. Stella in her socks (because DUH – her daddy knows what he is doing!) and Rock asking me why I was back. I told him I came back because I had both sets of Stella’s shoes. He tells me how she doesn’t need them anyhow, because they are about to go for a walk, and she will need her boots. I look to the left and there are three pairs of boots. One pair too small for Rock, which means they are perfect for Stella. My heart sinks deeper. I thought I was doing well, growing, unlearning the toxic, and learning the pure. When will I let go of the illusion of control? When will I stop allowing GUILT and FEAR to rule my world, to determine my actions? How about TODAY?

After a few minutes of shoulda, woulda, couldas, I decide to think of a solution. There is another bus on a different route that will get me home before 11 o’clock. I ask Frankie to drop me to the stop, because it is roughly a quarter mile away (it may actually be closer to a mile, but how would I know, I am a writer, not a geographer or mathematician). Not so far in a car, but not ideal on foot. We drive to the stop, I get out of the car, I wave bye-bye to the babies, and off they go with Daddy.

Ten minutes before I was downing myself. Allowing myself to mistreat myself because of a MISTAKE in choice. A moment of indecision. Or should I say, decision that I later found displeasing. I share this story to show that I am still learning. I am still human. We all are. So if your day did not start off so great, there is still time. Don’t let a bad 5 minutes turn into a bad 24 hours. There are still times when I say bad things to myself and about myself. But I also forgive myself, love myself, and respect myself more than I have in the past. I tell myself: If you ain’t making mistakes, you ain’t living.

Make some mistakes today, but be willing to FORGIVE yourself. Be willing to LOVE yourself. Be willing to ACCEPT yourself.

Life is good…